wake up i wanna do it froggy style
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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