toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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