i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
