You made me cry and you don't even care
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
