wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
