Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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