Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
