Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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