I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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