God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
