So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
