im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
