I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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