Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
