i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
People in love make me want to vomit
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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