i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
