you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
