New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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