I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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