we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
