Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?