I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Even my vagina gasped.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
