Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
