It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
