Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
