You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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