I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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