mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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