If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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