we have pet lesbian snakes
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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