No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
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We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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