As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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