do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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