and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
