i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
