if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
