Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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