My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
