I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
