I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
