it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
