Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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