I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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