my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
