I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
