Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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