I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
