I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
