I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
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I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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