He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
