I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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