I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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