Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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