So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
