I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
