dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
